feels like a movie.

we have all done it. so many times. I know I have . while relishing in a certain instance of extreme existence, whether it's distress, grief, heartbreak, intimacy, humor, exploration, or euphoria.... or other infermities or triumphs, we think (or say aloud)....

"I feel like I'm in a movie."

********or even worse, "why can't my life work out like it does in novels or movies."

well I think we should stop saying that.

I think that it's a very backwards way to look at this concept...

because if you think about ..... you realize it's the other way around. maybe we forget that movies are meant to portray real life events and emotions.

before the television, before movies, before any plays or media were readily available to portray these extreme moments ...

the moments existed....


only being felt by the spirits present in that moment.

I would like to believe ancient men and women fell in love & had those moments where they looked into the eyes of those they loved & were enveloped with an inner song of tranquility & comfort. where they had intimate and romantic encounters. where they had tradegy & felt sorrow. or when things work out in perfect sequence:

& not once did they discredit those happenings by thinking "wow my life is like a movie!"


are all forms of art not already just a portrayal of life? of thoughts? emotions that already exist before they were made?

no plot or story the same.

so why, then do we try to make our lives into something we have seen before? when we could make something new & personal.

why do we try to mold the ways we lvei and love,  how we look, who we associate with, & what we say..... into something that was molded to portray the way we already were living?...


movies, songs, paintings, musicals, tv shows are all just depictions of a life that already exists in reality,...


so maybe we should instead think "wow this feels like living."









haha sorry kind of a ramble but.... does that make sense?

nickers

Heyyy...

sooo i wanted to write my proposal story then i realized….




no one even knows our story at all hahah.

only a few people know how it all REALLY went down & its kind of a mess. 

but a fun, beautiful happy ending mess!!

so first, i'll introduce you to the most wonderful guy in the world, Nick Ryan Curtis 

AKA 

nickers, nicholas, lil' Saint Nick, in my phone as the surfer emoji.

or just Nick.

Nick is the NICEST person on earth. I would say "i might be biased..." but I'm fully confident that I am indeed NOT being bias at all when I say that he is one of the most genuinely caring, considerate, helpful, sweet, selfless person you could possibly ever have the privilege of knowing. 

I met him summer of 2014. 

He had just gotten back from his mission & was in my singles ward (YES PEOPLE IT IS INDEED POSSIBLE TO FIND LOVE IN A YSA WARD. Or maybe I just really lucked out. Probably the latter...)

Anyways, my friends & I knew who he was. 

He didn’t know who I was, really....

but I definitely knew him! & i knew he was the most handsome thing i had ever laid my 19 year old eyes on.

But he also hung out with the older "cooler" crowd that were a couple years older than us. So despite his warm & magnificent smile he was a bit unapproachable. Intimidating, I guess you could say. ;)

one night, my friend Macey & I had just finished long boarding & were on our way to grab a beverage at the closest circle k. 

Funny thing...

as we were on our way we were discussing the latest single ward "haps" (that's short for "what's new & happening”)

& we just so happened to be talking about this “nick curtis” fellow & how cute we thought he was... & how we didn't know if he was dating anyone or if he was even into anyone… & how fond i was of his navy blue suit he wore to church that last week….

so we pull up to park her car & who else do we see walk into Circle K (looking very handsome might I add)..... Nick Curtis. 

MACEY: "hey isn't that nick curtis??"

ME: "yeah! Ok when we go in, Don't make eye contact & avoid conversation at all cost." (Being the socially awkward person I was I wanted to avoid the stupid things I would likely say if I had to whip up small talk with such a dreamy face)

We walk in & start filling up our super nutritional 32 oz polar pops. 

As we turn around the head to the register, there Nick is standing right behind us with a huge smile on his face. 

"Hey ladies!" (He says he would have never said "ladies" but I like to tell it like that... cuz i actually don't remember how he addressed us) 

Then the small talk happened. He told us he was planning on having a little party at his house that weekend... so naturally he got my number & told me he would get me the details! (smooth)

I'll skip all the many tiny unimportant details but basically from that day on he would text me & offer to bring me food at work & invite me to come hang out with him & took me fishing & out to eat & I'm not gunna lie…... I was a little hesitant & stand off ish for a while. 

I definitely didn’t make it easy for him to “court” me.

i was always finding excuses not to hang out with him because i was scared i would catch the feels & life would get OH SO complicated.

Mostly because... Well I had a missionary out there who I was CERTAIN I would spend the rest of my life with. 

& I didn't want anything to cloud my judgement. 

Don't get me wrong I was dating around before while he was gone but it was never an obstacle and nothing ever seemed right anyways...

So I kept pushing it off but this time it was very hard not to get serious & Nick was different.

I found myself craving his presence & it scared me real bad. 

*"stick to the status quo" song from high school musical plays*

I was supposed to marry my missionary. I still had feelings for him. MY HEART WAS VERY YOUNG & VERY CONFUSED. People telling me different things i should do or say. none of them seeming right. I was at a loss.

I knew that me & Nick had a very rare & special friendship. & that grew (very slowly but surely) & next thing I knew we were in a relationship. 

And despite the constant confusion in my head and my heart, I always had fun with nick & we continued seeing each other everyday for the rest of the summer.

People were telling me to "date nick & have fun. stop worrying about everything… your missionary is on a mission. dont worry about it.”

but i couldn’t NOT worry. it was always in the back of my mind that i would have to make a decision.

Anyways, 

alas, Fall came & both of us were headed up to school. Him to Idaho, me to Provo.

We missed each other a lot. 

& it was very hard to do long distance. despite long phone calls & weekend trips… it was stressful. Trying to maintain an appropriate relationship with a missionary & then one with nick in idaho?

I was SURE I was being unfair to EVERYONE. 

But people kept telling me, “its ok! he’s on a mission! you’re fine! thats normal!”

I couldn’t do it anymore though. 

I was too stressed out about it. something didn’t feel right. So I wrote a letter to my missionary telling him we needed to take a step back & that i was focused on other things. some people call this “writing them off” but i dont even really know what that means so….

but as soon as i did that… the yucky feeling in my stomach that I thought would go away…. didn’t go away.

GREAT.

i thought that would solve everything. I thought that would make my heart available & ready to give nick 100 percent of my attention.

I was wrong. 

so I had to prayerfully go a different route.

STRESS, STRESS, STRESS. HEARTACHE, HEARTACHE, HEARTACHE.

I still had feelings for Nick but something just wasn’t sitting right with me. I was working two jobs, & going to school full time. Emotionally & mentally I wasn’t in the best place of my life. I was going through lots of life changes & adjusting to living on my own. I wasn’t healthy & I was confused & trying to make friends in a very social town while trying to maintain a relationship with someone who went to college 4 hours away. 

So the beginning of October came & I made a very very very tough decision. 

I knew I couldn’t drag Nick on any longer. I didn’t love myself therefore I didn’t have enough energy to love him the way he deserved. He was putting in 80 percent & I was putting in 20.

& boy let me just tell you……

GUYS HE TREATED (& still does) ME LIKE A QUEEN!!!! 

like off the movies!

& everyone noticed. he was like prince charming.

sacrificing SO much for me. & I wasn’t even reciprocating cuz I was kind of a selfish brat at the time…. but he did it so willingly.

but I knew the timing just wasn’t right. & I’m not gunna lie to you…. I thought we were over for good. It broke my heart, but I was sure about the missionary & wanted to see how that worked out when he got home.

So i broke up with Nick….. 

:(

& not only did i break up with him but I respected him enough that I knew I couldn’t drag him along & give him hope of getting back together because I wasn’t sure if we ever would…. 

(Guys I’m Being VERY real with you all here. be gentle. )

We stayed in touch… he would call me & we would talk about what was happening in our lives. when i had shows in rexburg he would come & see me & bring his friends to watch me. 

It was hard to see him. 

but I told myself that we both just had to move on. We were friends but nothing more.

SKIP AHEAD A FEW MONTHS.

I turned a new leaf in my life.

cheesy way to say that…. but i did!

I started taking care of myself… I was more confident, I had goals, I was doing what I loved more. I was happy & independent & I was waiting for my missionary to come home in June. 

I was so certain I'd marry him & life would be just the way it was!

So, I prayed about it & I knew I needed to move home to AZ in the summer instead of staying in Utah.

so I moved home! (yay! best decision.)

I got a job almost immediately & started working at a job I loved & counting the days til he arrived. Life seemed to be going just how i had planned it for so long...

Then…

the part everyone asks me about, “what about your missionary!?”

alright Ladies & Gentlemen.

first of all let me say….

people change.
A LOT.

I had no idea people could change so much to be honest…

but over two years… I CHANGED A TON.

my wants & goals changed.

his wants & goals changed.

we were different people. we had different interests & we just didn’t work out.

& that is OK. that's life! we were young & we were great friends! 

We tried to make it work for a while….. but my yucky feeling in my stomach came back... & i knew it wasn’t right. & he knew.

so we decided to move on.

i’m not B.S. ing when i say I truly truly want the best for him. & I want him to be so happy. & i know he is! 

& he wants the same for me. 

The best thing you can do when you are dating is be loyal to YOURSELF first. be loyal to your emotions & to your gut feelings. 

“follow your heart!” - the most overused but accurate phrase. 

I just knew pretty quick that something was off but i couldn’t figure it out… so I had to go with my heart blindly.

So ANYWAYS, I KNOW THIS IS SO LONG IM ALMOST DONE KINDA.

while the whole thing was going down & i had to make some tough decisions, I would be talking to my mom asking her for advice…. & without realizing it I would bring up Nick in every conversation… 

now remember this was about 9 months since we had broken up… & we rarely talked anymore.

& finally my mom was like ‘OK. WHY do you keep bringing nick up?...’

in my head at first I was thinking

“uhhhhh…. i dont know…..”

then it was like a light bulb went off in my brain...

DING DING CHELS YOU LOVE NICK YOU IDIOT

this is where it gets good :)))))))

well this was hard to swallow at first..... because WTF why couldnt I have realized this a long time ago...



I knew how it looked. I couldn’t just text him & be like “hey! finally appreciate & love you! take me back!” 

he would be like “yeah right…”

& i knew how it looked to everyone else.... & they would be telling him not to give me a second chance…

but what the heck was i gunna do!?

Nick was living in california for work at the time… so i couldn’t exactly just march to his house…

Or cOuLD I!? 

I decided to test the water… about the end of july I started texting him… subtly…

i knew that he knew my missionary had come home so i knew it was gunna be sticky…

im not stupid....

*“oh her & her missionary didn’t work out so she decided to go back to her ex boyfriend as default.”*

thats what negative Nancies like to say.

well let me tell you…

that was not the case. it was NOT just the easy thing to do....

quite the opposite actually.

IT WAS VERY HARD & rather humbling to do, if i wanted it to be easy i would have done a million different other things....

but i had to follow my gut! & i prayed about it & kept getting the same feeling.

“NICK. NICK. YOU LOVE NICK. YOU WILL NEVER EVER REGRET TRYING.”

SO i grew a pair & decided to go for it.

i had to just forget about what people would think & go for what would make me the most happy.

so like i said..

subtle texts. friendly texts.

then i started to call him. I’m sure he was confused & probably thinking “jade, leave me alone you already broke my heart once what are you doing. stop.”

hahah. but really.

we started talking more frequently. I mean i still was dating around here & there & so was he... but i couldn’t stop thinking about him…

& perfect timing….

 one weekend he snap chatted me & HE WAS IN AZ. 

I freaked out!!!!!! I had to see him. I had to make sure my feelings were still there. I had to see him in person.

but he was only in town for a day.....

i called my mom, “NICK IS IN TOWN S.O.S. WHAT DO I DO”

my mom “go see him! go see if the feelings are still there like you think they are!"

so what i said to him, : “Hey nick! wanna catch up & go get some acai bowls!? ya know... just to catch up….as friends”

what i meant, : “Hey nick, i am pretty positive i am madly in love with you so i would love to see you & just confirm that feeling & see if I’m being crazy or if your supposed to be in my life forever & btw you are looking extra handsome lately & i want to kiss you but i know its too soon & anyways… wanna bless me with your presence for an hour? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE”

sure enough… we met up for about an hour & I played it cool….. (by playing it cool i mean i went shopping & spent way too much money on a new outfit for the occasion.

the second I saw him walk in….I think my heart literally whispered to me, “yup."

then i knew.

& suddenly the tables had turned. i was putting in all my efforts with him. pulling out all the stops. but trying to be subtle as to not overwhelm him.

then one day on the phone, 

me: “You are so lucky you live in san diego i want to come visit!”

him: “well we actually have an extra place, you can come stay with some friends if you want!”

(he probably didn’t know i would actually say yes & do it… but i jumped on that sh**)

me: “ok. august 22nd ill be there.”

so i decided then & there…

i would drive to california & confess to Nicholas…..the guy who I broke his heart & was kind of a cold hearted selfish brat to…. that I was still in love with him.

Soooooo I dragged my sister along for support & we drove to california.

6 hours of driving.. & the whole time me freaking out & rehearsing what I was gunna say to him….

when I arrived & pulled up to his place... i saw him for the first time in a while….. & my heart dropped. he smiled at me & i melted. & as he was helping us bring our bags up to their place & making jokes...

I knew right then that I wanted him & no one else.

I was determined AF to get him back.

So that night when we had some alone time…. I dropped the bomb on him, with my mom's advice ringing in my head “tell him exactly how you feel! be honest! you’ll regret it if you dont try!”

& I had braced myself, knowing there was a 99 percent chance he was already over me. I was very ready to be hard core rejected. but i had to take the chance or i would hate myself forever.

“Nick…. I know i dont deserve you… or a second chance…. & I’m just gunna be very vulnerable right now..

i have no idea how you feel about me still & i know I’m taking a shot in the dark. but i couldn’t NOT tell you how I feel. I dont regret taking that time apart because I’ve grown so much… & i can see that you’ve grown so much to. I wasn’t in a good place & i know i didn’t treat you the way you deserved to be treated. & i know i hurt you… but i still have feelings for you. & if you said the word, i would date you right this second.”

(no pressure right?)

well things went a lot better than i excepted but NOT as good as i had hoped. (except the worst, hope for the best)

he told me that of course he still had feelings for me… but that I had hurt him real bad…

so he needed time to think about it.

I could work with that.

so after a while, we still talked & kept in touch…

me putting in 110 percent effort, him still being iffy.

but I didn’t care. I wanted him or no one.

i would give him all the time in the world. he was moving home in a month so i just had to wait it out.

& even though there were nights i would cry to my mom because i was so scared i missed my chance. & so scared that i let the man of my dreams slip right out of my life & i would just have to accept that & move on… & it KILLED ME most nights… i still just kept praying & i just kept having the feeling to stick it out.

Here is the part of the show where i insert the tiny bit of relationship advice i have.

there were lots of time in the 2 month time span that i was waiting for nick to make up his mind that thoughts like, “Ok, Jade, play hard to get… play mind games. then he will like you. give him an ultimatum! make him jealous. DO SOMETHING!!” would run through my mind daily because thats the advice people would give me….

but when i prayed & really mediated about what I should do.

“Just love him.”

that phrase would overpower all of the others.

“Just love him. You will never regret loving him & telling him exactly how you feel, when you feel it.”

so i did. I tried my best.

i let him know how much i cared about him and how amazing i thought he was basically everyday….

even when i knew it wasn’t going to be reciprocated….

PLAYING HARD TO GET is no way to have a relationship with someone. remember that.

*cue Hello by Adele* (literally the song to perfectly describe how i felt)

anyways im dragging this on… I’m sorry guys. I’m proud if you’re still reading,

sorry if your bored out of your mind!!! but its almost done now for real

he came down to visit 

this is now the end of september.

i was READY for him.

he hadn’t told me he was coming down to visit…

he was still iffy about how he felt about me.

i knew that.

but i also knew his best friend was getting married & i knew he was coming down. 

so you best believe I left my whole weekend open JUST IN CASE.

he ended up telling me he was coming down & well…

we hung out every second of everyday that he was home.

& by the end of the weekend (much to both of our surprise) the spark was back. he was starting to bring his guard down & we both finally FINALLY both were at the same level. 

it was finally so peaceful. & it felt SO SO SO right.

*sigh & tears of relief*

& from then on… we wanted to be in each others presence 24/7. he moved back home to az.

& we have been inseparable ever since. :)

so it's true! Everything happens for a reason.

When you are making a decision...Heavenly father leads you down the wrong road sometimes. Just so you are even more confident & sure when you go back to the start & take the other path, that you are making the best decision of your whole life. :)

i would say “THE END!” but its actually just the start! to our whole life together! :-))))

& i wish i could explain the peace & comfort & joy I feel when I’m with him.... but words are so inadequate. 

https://vimeo.com/151943393

^^^^^annnnnnddddd if you care enough to watch our engagement vid that I put together, you can watch it by tappin' that link.

P.S.

....I'm stoked that i get to marry someone who loves writing as much as I do! (and is better at it than me.)  If you want to check out Nick's page where he has posted some of his amazing writing... here is the magic link for your reading pleasure!!... cautiouscurations.com

(Jace & Leif came and hung out with us in California and she took our engagements!! which we loveeeeeee. She did an amazing job as always. ) jacimarie.com

peace out guys

believer.

I never considered myself to be a believer in "soul mates"...

ya know, the idea that there was only one person out there who you were meant to be with.

& i don't know if love at first sight is scientifically possible.

I also don't know if another person can really "complete" another person...


or what "unconditional love" really means...




but here is what I do know.






i know that ever since i met you, I'm able to dive into my own soul at such great depths...

depths that allow me to feel a closeness that far exceeds anything physical.

& I don't remember if I fell in love with you the very first time I laid eyes on you...
mostly because it's hard for me to fathom that there was ever a time in my life that every detail of your face, hands and physique weren't constantly on replay in my mind.... but my eyes seem to have forgotten what my world looks like before you were in it.

I also never thought I could be in love with someone's else mind more than my own...

and I never thought I would trust someone enough to love them without limits, guards, or walls, and willingly let them explore every corner of my spirit.

& I had no idea it was possible that someone could simply wrap up my every worry and me in their embrace, lay by my side and without saying a word, make those worries fade from my mind. Then, with that same embrace, completely refill my heart and my mind with a quiet and reassuring peace that everything was really going to be OK.

I also never thought I would feel so deeply connected to someone that I would feel a physical hurt when they were ill... that I would enjoy giving up sleep, time, and half of my chipotle salad... or that I would get teary eyed while driving alone in my car because of the overwhelming feeling of gratitude that our paths even crossed in the first place...

and if you would have told me ...

that another human would come into my life and make me feel like a entirely new person by bringing out my true and never-before-seen potential..... and that by helping me identify my strengths and gifts they could encourage me to mold my hobbies and interests into things that I could have only dreamed about.. what I had been searching for in solitude my whole life.

& that just by experiencing their existence, it would cause a phenomenon in my heart that could pump positivity and passion straight through my veins to my emotions and to my logical thinking ....

or that someone could make me feel whole.... and do it in a way without ever making me feel like I was anything less than complete in the first place...

or that someone could heal my every insecurity with just the simple touch of their hand...

or that they could pin-point exactly how i'm feeling, no matter how hard I tried to hide it or bottle it up, just by observing the subtle movements of my eyes...

or that another person could possibly love me so intensely and so unconditionally that I could physically feel it strike my bones whenever our eyes lock momentarily...


I don't know if I would have believed you...


because those are the kind of things people hope for...

people silently pray in their heart for.

but assume that those things only happen in songs and movies.




but then it actually happens....

to you.

& you don't know what else to do besides become a believer.

- chelsey jade

sry.

life comes at you dang fast doesn't it...

Things that you were soooooo sure of a year ago, completely change. Things you were so sure about YESTERDAY are completely different today...

it's enticingly daunting, really.

It's kinda weird how certain events are placed in our paths... & at first they seem confusing & frustrating but then we find ourselves in a beautiful place because of that redirection. 

Heavenly Father really knows what he's doing, ya feel? Sometimes we really have to remember God probably knows a few things we don't.

so just hang in there.


ill just give ya a run down on some things i've learned in the last little bit of my existence here.

1.) you are not entitled to ANYTHING. you may think you are entitled to your parents money.... you are wrong. you may think you are entitled to second chances from everyone.... you are wrong. you may think you are entitled to having transportation, having food, having the new iphone..... i hate to break it to ya.... but you're wrong. work your butt of & earn it if you want it. if it's REALLY worth it you will fight for it.

2.) Eating poorly makes you feel like crap and eating healthy makes you feel good..... its as simple as that. take your pick.

3.) Do what you love.

4.) You don't need EVERYONE to like you.

5.) Other people's success has NO impact on your success. The only person you should be worried about being better than is the person you were yesterday.

6.) Girls/Boys don't be afraid to say NO to a date... a kiss... a text.

seriously. it's easier and less painful than you think. just try it... i promise you wont get any uglier or any less popular if you do. I mean give the guy the benefit of the doubt but if after the 3rd date you're not feeling it just tell him.....

7.) Stop caring what other people think because IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE & YOU WILL NEVER BE TRULY HAPPY. honestly, this is a very hard one, especially for me. I am a people pleaser but you have to realize that it is YOUR life. Don't let other people's negative thoughts bring you down.

8.) Keep some moments private.... just sayin'. Not everything you do feels better if it's on Social Media. Sometimes things are more cherished when they are shared with only those physically present.

9.) Give yourself meditation time at least once a day. Time to reflect, push all the worries of life aside & just be with yourself in your head. Give yourself this time to think progressively & positively.

10.) Be genuine in all that you do. Genuine & pure happiness will follow, I pinky promise.

11.) Listen carefully. When you ask God for something.... look for the answer. be open minded. he will communicate with you in ways that he KNOWS you will vibe with. He knows your passions. When you receive a good feeling... act on it.

12.) Look for the purity in life. Look for feelings of pure love, happines, enjoyment. Stick with those things. (common sense, ya? but there are people who stay away from these things and i am not sure why.)

13.) Don't be afraid to let other people LOVE you. Let the love in, people! I know this better than most that we really only accept the love we think we deserve.... (shoutout to Perks of a Wall Flower) Let people serve you. If you don't, if you push them away... you are actually doing a disservice to them. Once we let that love in. Truly let it sink in, we will begin to love ourselves more.  Our capacity to love others more will increase exponentially. You won't be able to find ENOUGH people to love.

14.) When you feel like doing something good.. DO IT. can you imagine how much better our world would be if everyone acted on every single good thought they had?

How many times have you wanted to compliment someone on something but felt kind of stupid or intimidated.... so you just push the thought away.

How rude!?!?! Tell them for heavens sake!!

you would want someone to do the same for you.

15.) Put lemon or mint in your water.

16.) Check up on what's going on in the world. Read news articles. In this day and age.... we need to know what we're up against.

17.) Try something new. try to express yourself in other ways. try painting or doodling or writing or singing or yoga or somethin'.


18.) If you have the choice to spend your money on an experience or a material item. choose the experience.... always.


19.) Remember that 5 seconds of bravery can change your life.... so push through those 5 seconds of awkward, 5 seconds of difficulty, 5 seconds of sacrifice to get what you want.


20.) You have such a divine purpose. REALIZE THIS.

how do i know? BECAUSE you are on earth right now. because you are reading this. because you are breathing. becuase you have a body that is LIVING. because you have the ability to communicate through actions, words, art, work, emotions. If you don't think you have a purpose here on earth YOU ARE SO WRONG that it makes me cringe thinking about crippling that must be... i know because i have felt that way. IT. IS. CRIPPLING.

You were made for this time on earth. to go through life. to experience the people, places and things you have experienced. Its not about being perfect... its about how willing you are to be perfected.

LOVE YOURSELF.


^ hope that gives you a glimpse of whats been goin' on in my life lately.


k see ya guys

"the one"

"how do you know they are THE ONE?"

ahhh the question that has haunted the human race for centuries. with divorce rates skyrocketing & the amount of people who cheat. lie, and arent happy with their relationships its become a hard question to answer.

and lets face it.

there is no answer. 

there are only signs..... how you interpret those signs and choose to act in response to those signs is up to you.

but i would like to offer my input.

which may be useless but in my short, wise-less 19 years of life i have seen love, felt love, and heard about love....

so here are 20 signs that i, personally, have gathered that in my opinion will surely lead you down a promising path


1.) they are the person you want to be with you not only on friday nights but on monday mornings.

2.) with every minor flaw you find in them that they try so hard to overcome... they become even more perfect to you.

3.) when you listen to Bon Iver, Kodaline, or City and Colour they are the one on your mind.

4.) they are the one person you don't mind ditching parties every once in a while with just so you two can hang out alone.

5.) when you're with them, you can look at other attractive humans of the opposite sex and you appreciate their attractiveness but you don't desire them or their attention.

6.) you can talk about everything with them, from your favorite childhood memories to gross bodily functions to what you think happens after death.

7.) you would sacrifice what you love to do most for them but trust them enough to know they would never ask you to.

8.) you are 100 percent yourself around them.

9.) you can sit on the phone with them in silence for hours. literally.

10.) they tell you immediately when something is bothering them because they can't stand to be mad at you for one more second. and vise versa.

11.) you always want to be with them.... not just texting them, messaging them, or any of that crap. you want their literal presence and nothing less. always.

12.) you miss them when they are away for long periods of time. i mean reallllllly miss them. (this may seem like a no-brainer but you would be surprised...)

13.) there is a difference between needing someone... and needing someone in order to live a life. if someone tells you they desperately need you... and can not continue their life without you in it, comforting them and loving them..... that is a red flag. 

14.) they love their family and they love your family.

15.) they believe in you. truly, TRULY believe in you. but that does not mean they let you do things that they know aren't good for you.

16.) they notice your favorite foods, treats, flowers, shows, restaurants.

17.) they help you be a better person. it isn't that they make you feel like you HAVE to act differently but they make you WANT to be a kinder, more dedicated, hardworking person.

18.) the good in your relationship outweighs the bad by a landslide in both quantity AND quality.

19.) they make your whole soul feel happy and whole.

20.) you have been thinking about them the whole time you have been reading this...


and there you have it folks!!


sorry if i wasted your time but i'm sure you'll get over it.

l8r troops

boys will be boys

hey guys.

how are you today?

i hope you are doing good. because you are alive. and not dead. how fortunate are we to be alive?!

wait, i digress...

okay guys here goes my 'shpeel' on boys.

boys suck don't they? 

we pretend like they don't sometimes but it's true, right? 

they are mean. they break your heart. they flirt with a lot of girls. they make you feel insecure. they pay more attention to other girls than they do to you. they forget to call. they don't text you back. they don't put in enough effort. they say rude things. they aren't there for you. they make out with you then stop talking to you.

they talk about big boobs and nice butts and tiny stomachs and pretty smiles and long hair and bright smiles and pretty blue eyes and funny personalities and soft, flawless skin. and the truth is most of us girls don't have all those! we are lucky enough to score one or two of those things. 

why do they do that? why do boys make us feel like we need to be perfect? why do they make us feel like we aren't good enough or hott enough or smart enough or funny enough...

well girls, truth is: they don't make us feel like that. we do that to ourselves....

i mean, c'mon think about it.

yeah sure, guys like it when a girl has a nice body... but we like boys who have nice muscles too... 

we are human beings.

but when we get down to it...

they love us.

girls,..... boys LOVE us.

they are obsessed with us, actually. 

they do a lot of the things they do FOR US FEMALES. consciously and subconsciously.

they want to impress us just as much as we want to impress them.

they think we're cute. they think we do adorable things. 

they love our long soft hair, but if we chopped it all off I promise if he loves you.... it won't matter. in fact, he might like it even more because it wont get in his face while you're cuddling. 

he likes it when you dress modestly, because then on the rare occasions when you show a little skin its like christmas day and it gets him all excited and makes him want you THAT much more.

he likes your brown eyes. because they add a dark feature to your face. he loves staring into them no matter what because its the window to your soul. and he is in love with your soul. boys are not heartless.

he likes your small boobs or your little butt. because guess what boobs are boobs and butts are butts. and boys are gross.

he thinks you're funny. he thinks the way you laugh is funny and it makes him laugh. he likes your smart-alek jokes and your witty comments. 

he doesn't text you back because sometimes... he just isn't interested in you... and thats something you're just going to get over... move on. forget him just like he forgot about you...

or maybe he has other things on his mind? 

boys need to be reminded every once in a while. "hey, it was weird that you didn't call me back all day yesterday, kinda hurt my feelings can you not do that ever again, thanks..." 

if he gets defensive (and he will) just say its okay? its not the end of the world if he doesn't call or text. just let him know it hurt your feelings and move on with your life. how he chooses to reciprocate is up to him. he will either change or not. if he changes, he cares about you, if he doesn't... be patient. just chill out and remind him kindly. remember he is a male...they don't think those things through.

he ditched you for his guy friends? what a jerk.

go out with your girlfriends, tell him you miss him. whatever you do, DO NOT COMPLAIN.

complaining just makes you both miserable.

just make him want to be with you ASAP without pulling the guilt card.

for example a text like this:

"hey i hope you're having fun! i miss you. you're hott and i want to kiss your face." 

it's a little forward but most guys love that crap. i promise that blows over a lot better than:

"i really wish you didn't hang out with the guys tonight..." or "why dont you just want to hang out with me?" or "when are you gunna hang out with me? that was really inconsiderate of you to ditch me." or "it's just football it doesnt matter. " or "you don't pay enough attention to me.."

boys will be boys. 

if they let you go get your nails done every month let them have their "man time".

now here is the real killer. the thing that gives guys the worst rep.

the 'hit it and quit it' move...

they make out with you... maybe they even take you on a few dates before. then...

they stop talking to you.

this is when you are like "WHAT DID I DO?!" and you start to question every move you made while in their presence. 

chill out.

because guess what?

you just weren't the girl for them.

they weren't that into you.

i know you're thinking "well, why did they have to kiss me and make me believe they liked me?!"

well maybe they did like you? or maybe they didn't.

but the cold hard truth is... they probably don't anymore and they just really don't feel like they should waste anymore time with you...

harsh i know but we do the same thing to guys sometimes we just are a little more kind with how we go about it....

but really....you werent that girl for them. you weren't the right girl. most guys that have a rap as a "playa" will either A.) be a player for life and if thats the case you don't want to be involved with them anyway B.) find that girl who will change them and make them settle down and you just weren't the girl for that. doesn't mean you suck as a person? not at all? and if you think that.. you are letting satan into your head. you just were meant for someone better for you. that also means you might be "that girl" for the next "playa" that takes you on a couple dates. you could be the girl for them that makes them want to settle down and just love you forever. and how beautiful is that..... that there is a guy out there who wants to love on you forever and ever. and he IS out there.

the worst thing you can do is assume all guys are the same. some are complete A-holes and some are angels. but you never know unless you give them a chance. there is nothing wrong with giving people the benefit of the doubt(but don't be completely stupid) before you make your own assumption of them based on your own experience with them. don't believe reputations or rumors until they are confirmed first hand. 

that means your heart will broken sometimes. you will feel like crap sometimes, but you know what? that is so okay.

you will be a better person for it. and when the right guy finally comes along, you will appreciate him 100 times more.

so ya. guys can really suck. but so can girls. and thats life and love. get over it and keep searching for your human soulmate.

i promise.... you're good enough. and you will get through whatever it is you're going through right now.

there are billions and billions of living human beings on this earth. i promise that person is out there. go find them. 

and who knows, maybe that person never comes in your life here on earth... but he will be running to kiss you right on the mouth and hold on to you as soon as you both get up to heaven.

i'm sorry if i wasted your time but i'm sure you will get over it.

l8r troops

souls & humans & ya

people are oh-so interesting.

everyone is so different. (cliche alert)

it's amazing really. humans. so strange. so functional. so dysfunctional. so awkward. so graceful. so willing & so lazy. so weird & so normal. i feel like everyone has something unique & beautiful about themselves.

but right now, i just want to talk about a certain kind of human.

the kind of human who is REALLY a human. 

...i mean a real human being. who IS just human. does natural human things....and isnt afraid of human tendencies but embraces them. embraces the world around them.

a human with a lyrical soul.

ANNND what do i mean by a “lyrical soul”? ...

well.

when you meet someone it becomes pretty evident whether they have a lyrical soul or not.

like hmmm. lets see...

it's when you can talk to someone about beauty, opinions & sounds. and have it NOT be a joke and it's not just small talk.

when you can just be silent with someone. 

when they make you feel like you can tell them anything & they will understand it completely. they not only feel for others and feel what they are going through but they can express those emotions in a way that seems like literature. they listen to you when you pour out your heart to them. they give you feedback. not just “oh cool” or “thats funny” or “thats weird” but “oh my gosh you know that reminds me of this..” or “wow... how did that make you feel?” or “what was going through your head? were you sad?” i love that.

i call people that are like that, “lyrical souls"

& i absolutely adore them.

we all know them. those people that don’t just text you every once in a while & thats when & the only time you talk. 

it's those people that call you randomly while your on your way home from work just to tell you a funny story. 

those people that want to help other people. those people that would let you sleep on their couch for a year if you needed it without asking any questions.

those people who aren't afraid to ask you for favors. those people who aren't afraid to ask dumb questions. those people that aren't afraid to like what other people like even if its considered “cliche". these kinds of people don’t strive to be different…..they're OK with already being different.

the people that listen to loud music when they’re excited & music with a lot of bass and meaningless verses when they want to get “pumped” for some event.

they enjoy listening to soft music with their eyes closed & their arms folded across their chest as if the music is already a part of them. and its as if as the music goes on… its like its coming out of their souls.. not out of the speaker. they bask in it.

i love people that appreciate talent. that don’t tear it down. no matter what talent it is. 

they long for the presence of other abstract people but get along with everyone.

they make other people feel like everything is possible… just by smiling at them. or telling them about their dreams & goals. no matter how realistic or unrealistic they may be. 

why is it that when these lyrical souls smile at you its like all your happiest memories flash in your mind & your body feels like it just 'took a deep breath through it’s very veins? why is it that these lyrical souls can act so desperately but it isn’t a plea for attention & it doesn’t turn you off…. its like they are desperate in that they long to satisfy your own plea for attention. it actually turns you on & makes you more interested. 

they make you feel like you are a much better person than themselves. yet in doing that, you feel inferior to them. they are so magical really its uncanny how unreal they seem. 

they make you feel like every human is your best friend... because every human is beautiful & crazy & wonderful in their own way.

maybe thats why when you find someone like this you become so involved. you want to be with them. you want to talk to them. you want their opinion on everything. you want them to be your soulmate.

these are the kind of people it takes time to get over. you know why? because a part of them gets left behind in everyone they meet. & that part of them is called ‘positivity’. its a lasting effect they have on people. 

also because the most “erotic thing is good conversation” & you want to pour out your whole heart & soul to them every chance you get. every time you feel something new or experience something you want them there to talk to about it. 

talking to them, talking about them makes you have this feeling in your stomach. the same feeling you get at the end of a mystery movie when they are about to reveal the whole plot & you’re just so happy, excited & anxious, its that same kind of feeling. makes you happy. they tell you what they feel when they feel it no mater how appropriate the time is.

giving someone something physical of yours….a kiss, a hand hold, your time, your money. you can do those things over & over again & its physically the same pretty much every time. what makes these people different is that when these things happen, its depth. it different. its memorable.its meaningful. its a whole different experience. 

in fact. they make you feel like you don’t need those things to feel good.

they aren't materialistic. but they don’t wear boring clothes. they act like an idiot when you’re alone with them but then they turn into a witty humorist & a class-act when you go out with friends. they’re crazy, yet they’re sensible.

they’re beautiful creatures, really. they’re like magic. & you can’t seem to forget them. ever.

they remind you of all things dreamy. 

they’re intelligent, they’re funny, they just get you.

 they’re lyrical souls. 

& look.... i know the whole time you were reading this, you had one person in mind. go tell them. tell them you love their mind. tell them they have made you feel this way. why not tell them? if they really are a “lyrical soul” they will reciprocate positively. so you really have nothing to lose. they would do the same for you.

if not, go find one. become friends with one. but be careful to date one…. because you won’t get over them easy.

& hey. who knows, maybe you are one.

and how cool would that be?

sorry if i wasted your time but i'm pretty positive you will get over it.

l8r troops