feels like a movie.

we have all done it. so many times. I know I have . while relishing in a certain instance of extreme existence, whether it's distress, grief, heartbreak, intimacy, humor, exploration, or euphoria.... or other infermities or triumphs, we think (or say aloud)....

"I feel like I'm in a movie."

********or even worse, "why can't my life work out like it does in novels or movies."

well I think we should stop saying that.

I think that it's a very backwards way to look at this concept...

because if you think about ..... you realize it's the other way around. maybe we forget that movies are meant to portray real life events and emotions.

before the television, before movies, before any plays or media were readily available to portray these extreme moments ...

the moments existed....


only being felt by the spirits present in that moment.

I would like to believe ancient men and women fell in love & had those moments where they looked into the eyes of those they loved & were enveloped with an inner song of tranquility & comfort. where they had intimate and romantic encounters. where they had tradegy & felt sorrow. or when things work out in perfect sequence:

& not once did they discredit those happenings by thinking "wow my life is like a movie!"


are all forms of art not already just a portrayal of life? of thoughts? emotions that already exist before they were made?

no plot or story the same.

so why, then do we try to make our lives into something we have seen before? when we could make something new & personal.

why do we try to mold the ways we lvei and love,  how we look, who we associate with, & what we say..... into something that was molded to portray the way we already were living?...


movies, songs, paintings, musicals, tv shows are all just depictions of a life that already exists in reality,...


so maybe we should instead think "wow this feels like living."









haha sorry kind of a ramble but.... does that make sense?

nickers

Heyyy...

sooo i wanted to write my proposal story then i realized….




no one even knows our story at all hahah.

only a few people know how it all REALLY went down & its kind of a mess. 

but a fun, beautiful happy ending mess!!

so first, i'll introduce you to the most wonderful guy in the world, Nick Ryan Curtis 

AKA 

nickers, nicholas, lil' Saint Nick, in my phone as the surfer emoji.

or just Nick.

Nick is the NICEST person on earth. I would say "i might be biased..." but I'm fully confident that I am indeed NOT being bias at all when I say that he is one of the most genuinely caring, considerate, helpful, sweet, selfless person you could possibly ever have the privilege of knowing. 

I met him summer of 2014. 

He had just gotten back from his mission & was in my singles ward (YES PEOPLE IT IS INDEED POSSIBLE TO FIND LOVE IN A YSA WARD. Or maybe I just really lucked out. Probably the latter...)

Anyways, my friends & I knew who he was. 

He didn’t know who I was, really....

but I definitely knew him! & i knew he was the most handsome thing i had ever laid my 19 year old eyes on.

But he also hung out with the older "cooler" crowd that were a couple years older than us. So despite his warm & magnificent smile he was a bit unapproachable. Intimidating, I guess you could say. ;)

one night, my friend Macey & I had just finished long boarding & were on our way to grab a beverage at the closest circle k. 

Funny thing...

as we were on our way we were discussing the latest single ward "haps" (that's short for "what's new & happening”)

& we just so happened to be talking about this “nick curtis” fellow & how cute we thought he was... & how we didn't know if he was dating anyone or if he was even into anyone… & how fond i was of his navy blue suit he wore to church that last week….

so we pull up to park her car & who else do we see walk into Circle K (looking very handsome might I add)..... Nick Curtis. 

MACEY: "hey isn't that nick curtis??"

ME: "yeah! Ok when we go in, Don't make eye contact & avoid conversation at all cost." (Being the socially awkward person I was I wanted to avoid the stupid things I would likely say if I had to whip up small talk with such a dreamy face)

We walk in & start filling up our super nutritional 32 oz polar pops. 

As we turn around the head to the register, there Nick is standing right behind us with a huge smile on his face. 

"Hey ladies!" (He says he would have never said "ladies" but I like to tell it like that... cuz i actually don't remember how he addressed us) 

Then the small talk happened. He told us he was planning on having a little party at his house that weekend... so naturally he got my number & told me he would get me the details! (smooth)

I'll skip all the many tiny unimportant details but basically from that day on he would text me & offer to bring me food at work & invite me to come hang out with him & took me fishing & out to eat & I'm not gunna lie…... I was a little hesitant & stand off ish for a while. 

I definitely didn’t make it easy for him to “court” me.

i was always finding excuses not to hang out with him because i was scared i would catch the feels & life would get OH SO complicated.

Mostly because... Well I had a missionary out there who I was CERTAIN I would spend the rest of my life with. 

& I didn't want anything to cloud my judgement. 

Don't get me wrong I was dating around before while he was gone but it was never an obstacle and nothing ever seemed right anyways...

So I kept pushing it off but this time it was very hard not to get serious & Nick was different.

I found myself craving his presence & it scared me real bad. 

*"stick to the status quo" song from high school musical plays*

I was supposed to marry my missionary. I still had feelings for him. MY HEART WAS VERY YOUNG & VERY CONFUSED. People telling me different things i should do or say. none of them seeming right. I was at a loss.

I knew that me & Nick had a very rare & special friendship. & that grew (very slowly but surely) & next thing I knew we were in a relationship. 

And despite the constant confusion in my head and my heart, I always had fun with nick & we continued seeing each other everyday for the rest of the summer.

People were telling me to "date nick & have fun. stop worrying about everything… your missionary is on a mission. dont worry about it.”

but i couldn’t NOT worry. it was always in the back of my mind that i would have to make a decision.

Anyways, 

alas, Fall came & both of us were headed up to school. Him to Idaho, me to Provo.

We missed each other a lot. 

& it was very hard to do long distance. despite long phone calls & weekend trips… it was stressful. Trying to maintain an appropriate relationship with a missionary & then one with nick in idaho?

I was SURE I was being unfair to EVERYONE. 

But people kept telling me, “its ok! he’s on a mission! you’re fine! thats normal!”

I couldn’t do it anymore though. 

I was too stressed out about it. something didn’t feel right. So I wrote a letter to my missionary telling him we needed to take a step back & that i was focused on other things. some people call this “writing them off” but i dont even really know what that means so….

but as soon as i did that… the yucky feeling in my stomach that I thought would go away…. didn’t go away.

GREAT.

i thought that would solve everything. I thought that would make my heart available & ready to give nick 100 percent of my attention.

I was wrong. 

so I had to prayerfully go a different route.

STRESS, STRESS, STRESS. HEARTACHE, HEARTACHE, HEARTACHE.

I still had feelings for Nick but something just wasn’t sitting right with me. I was working two jobs, & going to school full time. Emotionally & mentally I wasn’t in the best place of my life. I was going through lots of life changes & adjusting to living on my own. I wasn’t healthy & I was confused & trying to make friends in a very social town while trying to maintain a relationship with someone who went to college 4 hours away. 

So the beginning of October came & I made a very very very tough decision. 

I knew I couldn’t drag Nick on any longer. I didn’t love myself therefore I didn’t have enough energy to love him the way he deserved. He was putting in 80 percent & I was putting in 20.

& boy let me just tell you……

GUYS HE TREATED (& still does) ME LIKE A QUEEN!!!! 

like off the movies!

& everyone noticed. he was like prince charming.

sacrificing SO much for me. & I wasn’t even reciprocating cuz I was kind of a selfish brat at the time…. but he did it so willingly.

but I knew the timing just wasn’t right. & I’m not gunna lie to you…. I thought we were over for good. It broke my heart, but I was sure about the missionary & wanted to see how that worked out when he got home.

So i broke up with Nick….. 

:(

& not only did i break up with him but I respected him enough that I knew I couldn’t drag him along & give him hope of getting back together because I wasn’t sure if we ever would…. 

(Guys I’m Being VERY real with you all here. be gentle. )

We stayed in touch… he would call me & we would talk about what was happening in our lives. when i had shows in rexburg he would come & see me & bring his friends to watch me. 

It was hard to see him. 

but I told myself that we both just had to move on. We were friends but nothing more.

SKIP AHEAD A FEW MONTHS.

I turned a new leaf in my life.

cheesy way to say that…. but i did!

I started taking care of myself… I was more confident, I had goals, I was doing what I loved more. I was happy & independent & I was waiting for my missionary to come home in June. 

I was so certain I'd marry him & life would be just the way it was!

So, I prayed about it & I knew I needed to move home to AZ in the summer instead of staying in Utah.

so I moved home! (yay! best decision.)

I got a job almost immediately & started working at a job I loved & counting the days til he arrived. Life seemed to be going just how i had planned it for so long...

Then…

the part everyone asks me about, “what about your missionary!?”

alright Ladies & Gentlemen.

first of all let me say….

people change.
A LOT.

I had no idea people could change so much to be honest…

but over two years… I CHANGED A TON.

my wants & goals changed.

his wants & goals changed.

we were different people. we had different interests & we just didn’t work out.

& that is OK. that's life! we were young & we were great friends! 

We tried to make it work for a while….. but my yucky feeling in my stomach came back... & i knew it wasn’t right. & he knew.

so we decided to move on.

i’m not B.S. ing when i say I truly truly want the best for him. & I want him to be so happy. & i know he is! 

& he wants the same for me. 

The best thing you can do when you are dating is be loyal to YOURSELF first. be loyal to your emotions & to your gut feelings. 

“follow your heart!” - the most overused but accurate phrase. 

I just knew pretty quick that something was off but i couldn’t figure it out… so I had to go with my heart blindly.

So ANYWAYS, I KNOW THIS IS SO LONG IM ALMOST DONE KINDA.

while the whole thing was going down & i had to make some tough decisions, I would be talking to my mom asking her for advice…. & without realizing it I would bring up Nick in every conversation… 

now remember this was about 9 months since we had broken up… & we rarely talked anymore.

& finally my mom was like ‘OK. WHY do you keep bringing nick up?...’

in my head at first I was thinking

“uhhhhh…. i dont know…..”

then it was like a light bulb went off in my brain...

DING DING CHELS YOU LOVE NICK YOU IDIOT

this is where it gets good :)))))))

well this was hard to swallow at first..... because WTF why couldnt I have realized this a long time ago...



I knew how it looked. I couldn’t just text him & be like “hey! finally appreciate & love you! take me back!” 

he would be like “yeah right…”

& i knew how it looked to everyone else.... & they would be telling him not to give me a second chance…

but what the heck was i gunna do!?

Nick was living in california for work at the time… so i couldn’t exactly just march to his house…

Or cOuLD I!? 

I decided to test the water… about the end of july I started texting him… subtly…

i knew that he knew my missionary had come home so i knew it was gunna be sticky…

im not stupid....

*“oh her & her missionary didn’t work out so she decided to go back to her ex boyfriend as default.”*

thats what negative Nancies like to say.

well let me tell you…

that was not the case. it was NOT just the easy thing to do....

quite the opposite actually.

IT WAS VERY HARD & rather humbling to do, if i wanted it to be easy i would have done a million different other things....

but i had to follow my gut! & i prayed about it & kept getting the same feeling.

“NICK. NICK. YOU LOVE NICK. YOU WILL NEVER EVER REGRET TRYING.”

SO i grew a pair & decided to go for it.

i had to just forget about what people would think & go for what would make me the most happy.

so like i said..

subtle texts. friendly texts.

then i started to call him. I’m sure he was confused & probably thinking “jade, leave me alone you already broke my heart once what are you doing. stop.”

hahah. but really.

we started talking more frequently. I mean i still was dating around here & there & so was he... but i couldn’t stop thinking about him…

& perfect timing….

 one weekend he snap chatted me & HE WAS IN AZ. 

I freaked out!!!!!! I had to see him. I had to make sure my feelings were still there. I had to see him in person.

but he was only in town for a day.....

i called my mom, “NICK IS IN TOWN S.O.S. WHAT DO I DO”

my mom “go see him! go see if the feelings are still there like you think they are!"

so what i said to him, : “Hey nick! wanna catch up & go get some acai bowls!? ya know... just to catch up….as friends”

what i meant, : “Hey nick, i am pretty positive i am madly in love with you so i would love to see you & just confirm that feeling & see if I’m being crazy or if your supposed to be in my life forever & btw you are looking extra handsome lately & i want to kiss you but i know its too soon & anyways… wanna bless me with your presence for an hour? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE”

sure enough… we met up for about an hour & I played it cool….. (by playing it cool i mean i went shopping & spent way too much money on a new outfit for the occasion.

the second I saw him walk in….I think my heart literally whispered to me, “yup."

then i knew.

& suddenly the tables had turned. i was putting in all my efforts with him. pulling out all the stops. but trying to be subtle as to not overwhelm him.

then one day on the phone, 

me: “You are so lucky you live in san diego i want to come visit!”

him: “well we actually have an extra place, you can come stay with some friends if you want!”

(he probably didn’t know i would actually say yes & do it… but i jumped on that sh**)

me: “ok. august 22nd ill be there.”

so i decided then & there…

i would drive to california & confess to Nicholas…..the guy who I broke his heart & was kind of a cold hearted selfish brat to…. that I was still in love with him.

Soooooo I dragged my sister along for support & we drove to california.

6 hours of driving.. & the whole time me freaking out & rehearsing what I was gunna say to him….

when I arrived & pulled up to his place... i saw him for the first time in a while….. & my heart dropped. he smiled at me & i melted. & as he was helping us bring our bags up to their place & making jokes...

I knew right then that I wanted him & no one else.

I was determined AF to get him back.

So that night when we had some alone time…. I dropped the bomb on him, with my mom's advice ringing in my head “tell him exactly how you feel! be honest! you’ll regret it if you dont try!”

& I had braced myself, knowing there was a 99 percent chance he was already over me. I was very ready to be hard core rejected. but i had to take the chance or i would hate myself forever.

“Nick…. I know i dont deserve you… or a second chance…. & I’m just gunna be very vulnerable right now..

i have no idea how you feel about me still & i know I’m taking a shot in the dark. but i couldn’t NOT tell you how I feel. I dont regret taking that time apart because I’ve grown so much… & i can see that you’ve grown so much to. I wasn’t in a good place & i know i didn’t treat you the way you deserved to be treated. & i know i hurt you… but i still have feelings for you. & if you said the word, i would date you right this second.”

(no pressure right?)

well things went a lot better than i excepted but NOT as good as i had hoped. (except the worst, hope for the best)

he told me that of course he still had feelings for me… but that I had hurt him real bad…

so he needed time to think about it.

I could work with that.

so after a while, we still talked & kept in touch…

me putting in 110 percent effort, him still being iffy.

but I didn’t care. I wanted him or no one.

i would give him all the time in the world. he was moving home in a month so i just had to wait it out.

& even though there were nights i would cry to my mom because i was so scared i missed my chance. & so scared that i let the man of my dreams slip right out of my life & i would just have to accept that & move on… & it KILLED ME most nights… i still just kept praying & i just kept having the feeling to stick it out.

Here is the part of the show where i insert the tiny bit of relationship advice i have.

there were lots of time in the 2 month time span that i was waiting for nick to make up his mind that thoughts like, “Ok, Jade, play hard to get… play mind games. then he will like you. give him an ultimatum! make him jealous. DO SOMETHING!!” would run through my mind daily because thats the advice people would give me….

but when i prayed & really mediated about what I should do.

“Just love him.”

that phrase would overpower all of the others.

“Just love him. You will never regret loving him & telling him exactly how you feel, when you feel it.”

so i did. I tried my best.

i let him know how much i cared about him and how amazing i thought he was basically everyday….

even when i knew it wasn’t going to be reciprocated….

PLAYING HARD TO GET is no way to have a relationship with someone. remember that.

*cue Hello by Adele* (literally the song to perfectly describe how i felt)

anyways im dragging this on… I’m sorry guys. I’m proud if you’re still reading,

sorry if your bored out of your mind!!! but its almost done now for real

he came down to visit 

this is now the end of september.

i was READY for him.

he hadn’t told me he was coming down to visit…

he was still iffy about how he felt about me.

i knew that.

but i also knew his best friend was getting married & i knew he was coming down. 

so you best believe I left my whole weekend open JUST IN CASE.

he ended up telling me he was coming down & well…

we hung out every second of everyday that he was home.

& by the end of the weekend (much to both of our surprise) the spark was back. he was starting to bring his guard down & we both finally FINALLY both were at the same level. 

it was finally so peaceful. & it felt SO SO SO right.

*sigh & tears of relief*

& from then on… we wanted to be in each others presence 24/7. he moved back home to az.

& we have been inseparable ever since. :)

so it's true! Everything happens for a reason.

When you are making a decision...Heavenly father leads you down the wrong road sometimes. Just so you are even more confident & sure when you go back to the start & take the other path, that you are making the best decision of your whole life. :)

i would say “THE END!” but its actually just the start! to our whole life together! :-))))

& i wish i could explain the peace & comfort & joy I feel when I’m with him.... but words are so inadequate. 

https://vimeo.com/151943393

^^^^^annnnnnddddd if you care enough to watch our engagement vid that I put together, you can watch it by tappin' that link.

P.S.

....I'm stoked that i get to marry someone who loves writing as much as I do! (and is better at it than me.)  If you want to check out Nick's page where he has posted some of his amazing writing... here is the magic link for your reading pleasure!!... cautiouscurations.com

(Jace & Leif came and hung out with us in California and she took our engagements!! which we loveeeeeee. She did an amazing job as always. ) jacimarie.com

peace out guys